My journey into motherhood began eight and a half years ago. It has been the most transformational thing in my life in addition to my marriage. I have been trying to figure out how to write about this journey. I am not a linear thinker so I will just share what God puts on my heartand over the weeks and months to come the story will unfold here in bits and pieces. I am just now moving into a new season of my mothering. I finally am feeling more comfortable and confident in my own skin as I care for my family. I am finally beginning to trust that God will lead me in a unique way as I parent. In a way that is tailor made for me and not one that is written out for me in a book written by "parenting experts". After Isaiah was born, I accumulated a large stack of parenting books that I dove into in hopes of finding the "answers" I so desperately needed to become a good mother. I knew how important my new role was and I did not want to fail. I prayed and asked for God's help but I did not believe that I was able to receive all that I needed from Him to be the mom that Isaiah needed. I put my hope in the "experts" and I became so confused with all of the conflicting information. This created inconsistency and lack of confidence in me as I parented Isaiah. I also became frustrated and angry when my "methods" weren't working and he was not fitting into the mold that the "experts" had created. When Isaiah did not cooperate with immediate obedience then that meant that I was failing in my implementation of these methods and I was failing as a mother. I became so discouraged and depressed at times. I wanted to be the best mother I could be for Isaiah and I was always coming up short. I know that Isaiah felt my frustration and I think he may have internalized this, feeling like he could never please me and that my love for him was dependent on his "good behavior". In my own walk with God I am realizing that the more I relax and cease striving, the more I experience the Lord's grace and love. The more I relax about parenting and actually trust God to lead us on this journey, the more peaceful and cooperative my children are. God's extravagent grace and love is there for me when I mess up each day. When I am able to receive God's grace and cease striving for perfection, then my children will learn how to receive God's love and grace also. They see our walk with God and if it brings us freedom and joy then they will be drawn into a personal relationship with God also.
Now for the best part! I have made many mistakes, especially with my oldest, BUT with Jesus there is redemption and restoration available right now. Jesus payed the price for all of our mess-ups and the Holy Spirit is with us to make something even more beautiful out of our mistakes as He shows us how to pray and receive His truth and the power to make that truth a reality in our lives. I realized recently that I had been believing one of Satan's lies that it would take years for Isaiah to find healing and freedom from the wounds caused by my dysfunctional parenting. I can already see resurrection power at work that is so far beyond anything that I could do in Isaiah's life. The Holy Spirit is now free to work in him in a greater way and this is far better than anything I could accomplish on my own (even on the best parenting day). Christ in us the hope of glory!